Thursday, February 13, 2020

Dreams Don't Always Come True

My whole life I've dreamed of being a Mom. What my kids would look like. Would they be little fashionistas like me or would they be musical geniuses like Tyrone (and me too LOL). I obsessed over clothes and room decor and all that good stuff. I got pregnant as a teenager and the pregnancy was terminated. I've always regretted that because that really wasn't what I wanted, but definitely thought it was necessary and didn't want to interrupt my then boyfriends' college years. Flash forward a couple years, we were pregnant again. We lost our daughter. Then we quickly got pregnant again and lost our son. Then the next year another pregnancy and yet another son lost. 3 years of marriage. 3 miscarriages. I won't share again all the deets. You can read earlier blogs for that. Fast forward 20 years, no children, no pregnancies, no answers yet an exhaustion that was abnormal. I've always suffered from very heavy periods and severe anemia. But this was different. After lots of tests, painful iron infusions, more tests, more poking, more prodding, it was decided that the best course of action would be a hysterectomy. So now as I am writing this 8 days post op, I'm filled with emotions and a little bit of pain. This extreme high tolerance of pain actually comes in handy sometimes. I know that one day soon all will be well. Today isn't the day. I know that people are well meaning when they say 'oh God had other plans' or 'you're a mother to so many'. I've said it to people. But right now, I promise I want to throat chop those who say it. I DON"T WANT TO HEAR THAT RIGHT NOW. I'm mad. I'm angry. I'm disappointed. I'm sad. I'm emotional. I'm pissed. And all those feelings are ok. They are normal. I am grieving the loss of a dream. At 45 years of age, one week ago I had to say goodbye to a lifelong dream. I needed to get my health together. I was trusting God for a miracle, much like I'd trusted Him down through the years. SO now I pick up the pieces. And I remind myself that some dreams do not come true and that God makes no mistakes. And although I'm upset right now, I still trust Him. Even in this.

Until Next Time My Lovelies. Be good to yourself!


The TrelleBlazer


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