Monday, March 26, 2018

The Grind.....Why....How......What...When.....

So all day today I've felt totally overwhelmed. As I was driving home, I had the urge to blog. I haven't blogged in a minute. I promised myself that I wouldn't force things. Rather, I'd write when inspired and I wouldn't hold back. It's funny because people think that I'm very open on social media. It's actually the total opposite. I'm very selective about what I share. And I don't enjoy being vulnerable or open, mostly because it is often misunderstood. Anyhoo, as I was driving home I felt an overwhelming urge to be a bit transparent, and I immediately thought 'nope, not tonight.'.... LOLOLOL but the urge just wouldn't go away. So here goes nothing... A lot of times people will ask me "where do you find the energy? How do you do all that you do?..... I want to let you know that I am in no way a superwoman. If you follow my blogs (as infrequently as they happen), you know that early on in my marriage, I suffered 3 late term miscarriages. The years that followed were dark and full of hopelessness and despair. I went into a deep and severe depression that lasted for many years. I cannot remember the exact time that I came out of it, but I do remember that I vowed NEVER to go to that place again. Although I'm a Christian, I found strength through prayer, but also through counseling. Yep, you read it right. I saw a therapist. Fast forward many years later, and my life seemed to be flourishing. I poured myself into my work, my salon and all the things that seemed to equal success. I push myself daily. I hold myself to sometimes standards that are unattainable. I want my husband to be proud, my parents to be proud, my family to be proud, my church members that I serve to be proud. And sometimes wanting people to be proud can get you into trouble. Oddly enough, I came to a revelation in my life watching "Married to Medicine" which is one of my favorite shows. During last seasons' reunion show, Dr. Jackie was being questioned. For those that don't watch the show, Dr. Jackie has been through 2 bouts of breast cancer, desperately wants a child and has never been able to have one. She's also extremely driven. Her husband had begun to complain that she was working too much. Doing too much. And she was getting frustrated. I remember she broke down and said "nobody truly understands that there is a void in my heart from not being able to have children and so my intense drive comes from that void that is not being filled and it hurts but when I go go go, I don't have time to think of the hurt and the void'.... I sat in front of my TV and I bawled like a baby. Later I shared this with my husband, because I so related to this. And on some levels I guess I'd never really admitted this, even to myself. I go and go and go and go and go because when I'm going I don't have time to think about the void. I make no apologies for it. But, I also had to admit that it is a coping mechanism. Here's the thing about coping. Coping isn't freedom. And until I could get to a place where I stopped coping, I can never truly be free. WOWWWWWWWW. The other part is that I remember what that dark place felt like. The one I promised myself I'd never go back to. That place was so dark and painful that being alive felt like it was more punishment than death could ever be. And, so I push because I can't go back. I won't go back. I refuse to go back. However, I want to encourage someone tonight that every now and then, you've got to take that cape with the S off. It's a heavy load to bear. Healing takes place when we're honest with ourselves. Honesty is not always comfortable. You have to face hard truths. And sometimes hard truths hurt. But through the hurt, healing can take place. Your scars can finally heal.

Well, my lovelies, this was a whole WHOLE lot! And I'm tired now. But, I feel a whole lot lighter. Until next time, y'all be good to yourselves. And continue to be TrelleBlazers. I love y'all. For real!

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